Camelot Wars: The Revenge of the Alpacas
by Capsicle101
Summary: When Arthur's cousin comes to stay after his home has been attacked, he's really hacked off. With their beliefs on steeds conflicting on several occasions, they must put these petty arguments aside to face the ominous and allegedly omniscient alpacas to save what is rightfully their's.
1. Chapter 1

Bored. Again. Those were Arthur's least favourite words. One would think that, when one is a prince, one would have lots of things to do, and one would have lots of maidens to adore.

It seems that one was overly fantasizing the job.

After the Mormons decided they want to unleash a tyrannosaurus rex and several hyenas on Llamelot, the cousin of Camelot and a city of allies, the royal family inhabiting the citadel there decided to reside with Arthur and his father.

This mean his overly organised, OCD cousin Larthur had taking all Arthur's jobs under his not-as-cool-as-Arthur's belt, leaving Arthur to 'relax'.

Unfortunately for him, Arthur was NOT the sort to be pushed over lightly. In fact his rather sturdy build meant he was quite heavy, and so would have to have been pushed over heavily, something which he was not prepared to let happen. In addition to this, Larthur had a fundamental flaw.

He ADORED llamas.

Now Arthur guessed he should have seen it coming, what with the fact that Larthur had been born and raised in Llamelot, haven of the llamas and primary breeding station of the rare Sarcastic Spitball Llama. But it conflicted with Arthur's own love of camels (because he was from Camelot, and his first steed was a camel).

And Arthur knew he was always right.

'Well,' Arthur thought. 'I'll teach that little brat to love the llamas more than camels.'

With that, he headed to the window to try and spot Larthur. There! He was talking to someone by the stables. 'No doubt he's on about how llamas are supposedly better than camels,' Arthur thought, as he turned on his heel and brisk walked to the door, pulled it open, and...

'OHMIGOSHMERLINWHATAREYOUDOING!'

There was Merlin, lying on the floor by the natural air vent with a goblet to his ear.

'Uh...well...it's a long story, Sire, and I'm almost certain you don't want to hear it, so if you don't mind, I'll just be on my-'

'Merlin, quit your jibber-jabbing, and just tell me what the hell you're doing.'

'Well...' Merlin paused for dramatic effect as he prepared to launch into his story. 'Yesterday, Gaius told me to take some explosives to an infested plant area which was causing people to be sick so we could destroy it. Then, as I was passing by, a serving maid coming out of your room with a jug of water bumped into me, causing her to drop it on me. I was drenched!'

Arthur rolled his eyes. 'So?' he asked impatiently.

'So I got distracted, and I dropped the pile of explosives I was carrying into the vent here, where they would be safe, and I went to change my shirt. For the rest of the day, I was so occupied with jobs Gaius was giving me that I completely forgot about the explosives. This morning, Gaius reminded me that we were going to blow up the area today...and I remembered I had forgotten to collect them! I rushed over here to find that all that remained was a small pile of ash...'

By now, Arthur was furious. This could only mean one thing...

'MERLIN, YOU IDIOT! THAT MEANS THE EXPLOSIVES HAVE DISSOLVED INTO MY ROOM AND THEY COULD BLOW _OH DEAR_...'


	2. Chapter 2

The explosives had resulted in a huge explosion in Arthur's room, blowing up the side of the citadel. Luckily no-one was hurt, but the pigeons in the rooftop were disturbed, and pooped all over the unfortunate Arthur, much to Merlin's amusement. Naturally Arthur was extremely...upset, and this made him more determined than ever to pick a fight with Larthur. And so, after wiping all the poop onto Merlin and leaving him to rebuild his room, he ran down into the courtyard.

Larthur, to Arthur's extreme amazement, was still talking to the stablehand about llamas. He fetched a bucket of fresh camel dung and...

'LOL LARTHUR, YOU'RE SUCH A POOP HEAD! WAIT UNTIL MY FATHER HEARS ABOUT THIS! TOTES AMAZEBALLS, SAY WHAT WHAT?!'

'Arthur! That's so mean - why would you do this to me?'

'Well, because everyone finds it so annoying how you always talk about llamas, and I, as the prince, am in charge of dealing with complaints. I decided to take constructive action.'

'But, but-'

'HELLOO! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CAMEL DUNG GIRLFRIEND; YOU'RE IN CAMELOT! You need to fit in more, bro - move on from the llamas, and see the truth (which is that camels are better, in case you're wondering).'

'OHMIGOSHARTHURYOU'RESOMEAN!'

With this, Larthur burst out in great llama-like sobs. Arthur did pity him briefly, and wondered whether he'd been too harsh. But this was only brief, so after a couple of seconds, he sighed dramatically, 'Oh for the love of Camels, Larthur, pull yourself together man.'

When this didn't comfort Larthur, he started to feel uncomfortable. Suddenly Larthur spread his frail arms and flung himself, like a llama usually did, at Arthur. At first, Arthur struggled against his grip, but then he realised that Larthur was hugging him.

'Well, this is awkward,' he mused. At this point in time, like all princes did, he gave himself a decision to make, just to pass time. He could have a) shrugged Larthur off and call him a freak or b) just gone with it - what's the worst that could happen? And so, like all princes did, Arthur went with the latter.

Five minutes later, Arthur had had enough, and people were starting to stare. Including Gwaine, who had wandered past and failed to get much further at the sight of the prince, so was now busy heckling.

'Oi, Princess, have you told Gwen about this? Or Merlin, for that matter? I never thought I'd see this coming from you,' Gwaine grinned. Arthur sighed.

'GWAINE!' Leon came storming to Arthur's 'rescue' from the palace kitchens. "WHY IS THE ROYAL ROAST PHEASANT MISSING A LEG?'

'Well, its special and one legged - that's why it's royal. Duh...'

Leon remained furiously in place before noticing Arthur and Larthur next to him. Being so tall, Leon didn't notice lots of things, including his own feet from time to time; they were simply so far away that a black hole could form between his eyes and the ground, creating the misconception that he was continually floating like a human, non-blue Tardis. This was much like the black hole that continually formed in Percival's head, sucking up his brains, thereby cursing him with random thoughts, to which normality may not be restored...

'Um, Sire, Sire,' Leon greeted the two hesitantly. Gwaine took the opportunity to leg it. This did not go well, because the cook had realised what had happened to the leg of the pheasant, and had removed one of Gwaine's to replace it. He tripped and fell, before looking down and groaning.

'Not again...'

By now, Arthur's patience was wearing thin, and he decided to take his second constructive action of the day - wow, he was really on a roll today.

Gently, he pushed the snivelling Larthur away from his snot covered, tear soaked, poop stained shirt and offered him a tissue. Larthur accepted it gratefully.

'Ah, I'm so good at this whole 'peace' thing. Maybe I should become a professional hippie,' Arthur fancied.

'So,' he casually suggested. 'You wanna go grab a bite to eat? Emotions make me hungry. Well, actually, everything makes me hungry.'

'Sure.' Larthur sniffed. 'I'm tired too.'

'...We could try some shawarma? I know a great place two blocks down the road...'

'Whatever.'


	3. Chapter 3

Sitting in the shawarma shop, the two cousins enjoyed, sorry, endured their meal in silence. Turns out, shawarma really is only for Medieval Iron Man. Arthur, being a wannabe Medieval Captain America, decided to do the moral thing, and start a conversation.

'So...how you doin'?'

'Umm...I'm okay I guess, but it's just so hard!'

'What's so hard - your skull?' Arthur chuckled to himself. 'Sorry, that was mean - what?'

Larthur had by this point looked up in surprise at the blonde man sitting opposite, and stared in amazement. '...Did you just apologize for something?'

Arthur looked around shiftily,' No...'

'YES YOU DID - I HEARD YOU! I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU COULD BE EMPATHETIC AND YOU'RE NOT JUST A BILGESCHNIPE!'

Now Arthur was puzzled. 'Just a WHAT?'

'The Bilgeschnipe, you know; huge, scaly, big antlers. You don't have those? He made several small gestures with his hands by his forehead, mimicking the actions of the unknown creature.

'Don't think so.'

'They're repulsive, and they trample everything in their path.'

'Great, Larthur, really. Well...that was...interesting.'

'Yeah.'

So everything was going just swell between the twosome.

**That's when the alpacas attacked.**


	4. Chapter 4

Despite their many differences, Camelot and Llamelot had one thing in common. Their shared enemy were the alpacas (not magic, because Uther went to therapy sessions through 'Magic Fearers Anonymous' and got over his fear). Many years ago, Larthur's father and Uther decided to banish all the alpacas after they tried to perform a putsch on the citadel. For months the war raged on until they were finally able to defeat the alpacas in the Great Battle of the Bleats, and they were enclosed in Pacaheim. No one had heard from them since.

So when a giant silver spaceship bearing the words '#Alpacas for the win' landed in the courtyard, naturally, the two relatives were intrigued. Scores of men and women rushed outside and gaped at the giant monstrosity before them. Arthur, heading the crowd, reached the hull of the ship. He didn't like the way the ship bore down on him, so he straightened his spinal column to its full length, thereby making himself taller.

Unfortunately, this meant his nose collided conveniently with a giant red button, embossed with the message 'Press for Projection'.

Suddenly, plumes of gas billowed out from what seemed to be a small opening near the top, revealing a flashing light of many colours. When the viewers had gotten over the initial shock, a second surprise occurred in that a large box was now displayed on the walls of the palace...

And then, as if by magic, a human-like figure walked onto the screen. Tall with slick, dark hair like midnight, he was adorned with glorious green like ivy, contrasting with the glistening gold of his armor. As the man spread his arms, he bellowed to the citizens below:

'I AM LOKI OF ASGARD.'

Arthur groaned. 'Not again. We've already got one inhabitant of Asgard, we don't need another.'

'If you refer to my imbecile brother Thor, then you are in dire need of another Asgardian. Besides, I don't even live there anymore.'

Quizzically, Larthur interjected, 'But I thought you were banished from there by Thor...'

'NO,' Loki retorted. 'I chose to leave, ACTUALLY.'

'Why?'

'Well...um...I decided to change my career path and become a professional alpaca translator.'


	5. Chapter 5

'So...this is nice.' Arthur finally broke the awkward silence. Loki had flushed blue (due to his Frost Giant heritage), but was rescued by an alpaca, who rushed on and hummed something into his ear. Composing himself, he faced the camera again.

'KNEEL BEFORE ME! I am burdened with glorious purpose. Is this not your natural state?'

By this time, Arthur had given up on coming up with snarky comments, so he just kneeled. 'What's the worst that could happen?' he thought to himself. As if they were dominoes that had been tipped over, the people of Camelot and the refugees began to kneel one by one until all were bowed in a state of submission.

Loki looked surprised, 'Well. That was easy.'

Arthur replied, 'Your garments are just so...horrific. They overpowered my vision and fried the insides of my eyes. It's like Shakespeare in the park. Doth Mother know you weareth her drapes?'

'Irrelevant.'

'Sorry.'

'Now then,' Loki bellowed. 'I am here on behalf of King Reginald Alpacus The Third of the Alpacas. He would like me to deliver the following message to you stupid maggots.''

He paused for a sip of water from the cup a small, white alpaca had brought him, and unfurled a crinkled piece of paper that he had stored in his pocket.

"High Royal Highness King Reginald Alpacus challenges thee, Arthur Pendragon and Larthur Pendragon, along with thine army, to a battle of the ages. The winner shall gain full access of Camelot, Llamelot and all their lands. The loser shall forfeit all."

Rolling up the scroll, he once again turned his attention to the people in the square. "What? That's it - I don't have anything more for you muelling quims. Really! You people expect me to sing and dance like some show monkey! Well that's not happening, so GOODBYE, LOSERS."

And so the spaceship turned off it's projection, and, just as suddenly as it came, the spaceship took off into the distance.

By this time, Arthur's senses had return to him. "This is bad," he whispered across to Larthur, who was kneeling next to him.

"I know. Should we tell Uther?"

"Well, normally I would, but this is so bad that I don't want to be anywhere near him when he finds out."

"True. Let's just go back to our shawarma for a bit."

"Excellent idea."


End file.
